Hard to Relate

Being a young adult with cancer. Having a rare cancer with an extremely low survival rate. Being born with a genetic mutation that only 3% of the population has, with that rare cancer only presenting in 3-7% of that 3% with said mutation. Any one of these factors can make someone feel alienated from those around them; combine them all, it’s easy to feel completely alone. Hey, that’s me!

I know I’m not actually alone. Cancer, regardless of type and stage, tends to drum up the same emotions in all survivors. It’s given me a bizarre amount of comfort over the years to see that every survivor is scared as hell at scan time. We all seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. We all struggle with the dark moments, the uncertainty. It’s a ubiquitous experience that has made me feel a sense of community with other survivors, despite the fact that I’ve only met one other person in the world who is my age, dealing with this cancer caused by the BRCA2 mutation.

Having said that, there are still a great deal of things I see many survivors saying or doing that I simply cannot relate to. This has been one of the stranger sides of my journey. I’ll preface this by saying I do not begrudge anyone for their choices, thoughts, and beliefs. Despite the commonalities of the cancer experience, each person’s journey IS different and deserves respect. 

Anyway, here is a list of things that I just can’t understand or relate to:

- Praising God/Jesus for good news instead of doctors or science. I’m completely godless so I can’t imagine doing this. The doctors are here and working hard to save people, I give them the credit.

- Calling chemo “poison.” I feel very strongly that looking at medicine as something toxic (even though it technically can be) is detrimental. Many (if not all) medicines can be “poison” in large amounts. Alcohol is poisonous to our system, yet that gets a pass?

- Hating the tumor/one’s body. I understand the inclination to do this, though cancer is not a foreign invader like a virus. It’s DNA that’s broken and doing what it thinks it’s supposed to be doing. I don’t like the idea of being angry at my body even if it is trying to inadvertently kill me.

- Being baffled by a cancer diagnosis in the first place. Granted, I’m a hypochondriac, though given my family history I always suspected cancer was right around the corner for me. Cancer is fairly common, how does one go through life thinking it would never happen to them?

- Fear of losing hair. I’m always apt to shave my head so the idea of not having hair hasn’t ever been an issue for me. Ironically, I’m on a chemo that doesn’t cause hair loss so I get this weird cancer imposter syndrome and think people won’t believe I’m in treatment.

- Avoiding the word “cancer” as much as possible. Embrace and accept the reality. If you can’t say the word, examine why that is.

If anyone else feels similarly to any of these points, please reach out! I’m always looking to find more common ground with other survivors.

I did it, Barbara. I journaled TWICE this week. Shit yes. (Barbara is my primary therapist.)